Updated Version of Me

Wow, it has been over 2 years since I last wrote here. I checked if my account is still active and fortunately it is. I read through all my posts and I was overwhelmed with all those stuff that I wrote before.  I just realized how emotional I was then. I felt the sincerity though and the emotions I had. Lol. The flaws in my grammar was funny. Haha

Without this, I wouldn’t have remembered those memories.

Now I feel like writing again…

Did I become better over the years?

What I wrote before was true, I would always go back to writing when I am emotional. The past two years were so fast. I can’t recall most of the memories.  Sign of aging. Lol. I am different now… am I better.. honestly, I don’t know.  Had I been successful? Not so much. Did I enjoy? I did a lot of times. Did I matter? To a few people.. but overall I am not satisfied with how I become. 

I am struggling at this stage of my life. I feel like going back to the first step. I feel like I want to start all over again. But there are so many things I can’t put together again. Sadly but I have to accept all the consequences of the past decisions and actions.

Being a Quality Analyst made me more matured. But I realized that being matured doesn’t necessarily mean that one can make wise and effective decisions all the time. What’s so hard about me is knowing the bad and the good and yet I’m struggling to do what’s right.

I was once full of spirit, my world was so colorful, very imaginative, very young, free but now I’m not sure anymore with where life is taking me. Maybe I need to go back to church where I would find real peace. Maybe I need to talk to older and more matured people that can advise me and atleast enlighten me on how to effectively go through everything that’s going on with me.  I lost so many values that I kept and learned from home. I wish I didn’t but they’re gone. I am trying to pick it all up and put it back to the right places but it’s close to impossible with all the people, places, things that tempt me to stay this way.

I failed in many ways but I know I can go back from where I stopped and continue but better this time. I would like to start fresh. I want to be the same me, simple, with little expectations, can easily be happy and satisfied, down to earth, good, respectful, sincere, honest… yeah right.. haha.. ahhh.. life is getting complicated now that I’m getting older.

When they say that life begins at 40.. I think it’s starting early in my case.. Life tends to begin at my age of 26. These past few days, I am always confused. I am normally loud and happy, but lately I’ m becoming reserve and quiet. My friends would have noticed it.

I’m still composing my action plans. But I’m glad I came to realization of my current state atleast I know that I need to work on many things.  I don’t know I feel like crying. Emotional again. Queen of ice had melted already, disarmed and a little broken. I know I need to compose my self again. I’ll be better, that’s my promise to myself….

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~ by queenofice on October 16, 2010.

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