Updated Version of Me

•October 16, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Wow, it has been over 2 years since I last wrote here. I checked if my account is still active and fortunately it is. I read through all my posts and I was overwhelmed with all those stuff that I wrote before.  I just realized how emotional I was then. I felt the sincerity though and the emotions I had. Lol. The flaws in my grammar was funny. Haha

Without this, I wouldn’t have remembered those memories.

Now I feel like writing again…

Did I become better over the years?

What I wrote before was true, I would always go back to writing when I am emotional. The past two years were so fast. I can’t recall most of the memories.  Sign of aging. Lol. I am different now… am I better.. honestly, I don’t know.  Had I been successful? Not so much. Did I enjoy? I did a lot of times. Did I matter? To a few people.. but overall I am not satisfied with how I become. 

I am struggling at this stage of my life. I feel like going back to the first step. I feel like I want to start all over again. But there are so many things I can’t put together again. Sadly but I have to accept all the consequences of the past decisions and actions.

Being a Quality Analyst made me more matured. But I realized that being matured doesn’t necessarily mean that one can make wise and effective decisions all the time. What’s so hard about me is knowing the bad and the good and yet I’m struggling to do what’s right.

I was once full of spirit, my world was so colorful, very imaginative, very young, free but now I’m not sure anymore with where life is taking me. Maybe I need to go back to church where I would find real peace. Maybe I need to talk to older and more matured people that can advise me and atleast enlighten me on how to effectively go through everything that’s going on with me.  I lost so many values that I kept and learned from home. I wish I didn’t but they’re gone. I am trying to pick it all up and put it back to the right places but it’s close to impossible with all the people, places, things that tempt me to stay this way.

I failed in many ways but I know I can go back from where I stopped and continue but better this time. I would like to start fresh. I want to be the same me, simple, with little expectations, can easily be happy and satisfied, down to earth, good, respectful, sincere, honest… yeah right.. haha.. ahhh.. life is getting complicated now that I’m getting older.

When they say that life begins at 40.. I think it’s starting early in my case.. Life tends to begin at my age of 26. These past few days, I am always confused. I am normally loud and happy, but lately I’ m becoming reserve and quiet. My friends would have noticed it.

I’m still composing my action plans. But I’m glad I came to realization of my current state atleast I know that I need to work on many things.  I don’t know I feel like crying. Emotional again. Queen of ice had melted already, disarmed and a little broken. I know I need to compose my self again. I’ll be better, that’s my promise to myself….


my first love makes me cry

•May 19, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I know I look silly this hour.. Im crying.. had never cried for a while but today I am.. Because of Albi.. I didnt know that I would miss him this much.. I was scared to love someone before.. but I give it a shot and tried it with Albi who had given me acceptance, love and special attention. WE had never talked for almost two weeks now. Im worried about him. I dont know if he is safe, or what happened to him, but one thing that Im sure of is that I really miss him. I had never miss a guy like this before.. and had not cry over a guy in my entire life..

I tried sending him email almost everyday asking how he is.. but had not receive any reply. I know that something had happened to his laptop, but the last time we talked it is still working although the monitor is not, and he had to connect it to his tv.

I miss him and I loved him because I know he cares for me too.. I really dont know whats going on with him. Its really hard when we are thousand miles away from each other. I dont know.. ahhhhh!


another love story…

•May 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

There are so many things in life that I cant really explain.. Hayy.. nakakaloka talga ang buhay..

I have a story to tell.. about a chatmate who became my boyfriend in a matter of 1 week.. Me, being a chat fan, always would chat in my free time whenever I go online.. At this age, I’m really wanting to have a nice boyfriend. Not that I am too desperate to have one. But I would like to experience the wonderful feeling of being inlove, and have someone special to share my thoughts with, my affection, my interests, my love and care.. But I dont think Im too blessed for a lovelife.. I have much love from friends and family, but not really of a boyfriend.. I guess, because of my personality of not wanting to really mingle with guys.. or should I say Filipino guys.. there are many cute Filipino guys but I have this belief that Filipino guys are not really into gay/transgender.. maybe they are but not for love but mainly for sex and money.. and that’s not really what I’m looking for to have.. I like someone who can treat me with respect, someone who is responsible and can accept me despite of  the things and characteristics that I lack.. I dont know how and I dont know when, but I hope to meet this “special someone” who can complete my life.. one of the reasons why I go online and chat.. I would really like to have a foreign guy.. cause I believe that guys from other countries are more broadminded..

Just l last last Sunday April 27, that I met this wonderful guy from Turkey, was born in Lithuania.. he is 29 years old and will be 30 this June 18, while ill be 24 on June 9. His name is Albi.. He is really cute.. tall.. very kind,, and the best part is that he likes me too.. He said Im cute, sexy, nice, matured.. same characteristics that I like about him. I told him bout my life and Iv known him well too, his family, and most of the things he likes. He likes cartoon, same movies that Iv seen with my nephews, we would laught together on cam.. He have a pet dog.. I know that he is really a nice guy.. He had never been with a TG (transgender) and likes the idea of meeting one.. The nice thing about him is that he called me the day we met.. and then everyday until Friday of last week..

I like his voice.. I like him a lot.. and I would tell him that I really care for him.. I didnt know that you can love someone as fast as 2 days.. but I know I care for him.. but sad now.. cause he havent been online and have not called me for 3 days.. I really miss him.. Friends told me not to expect too much from him cause we are thousand miles away from each other, and I know that reality however, I would like to take this one shot for love.. I know it sounds silly but I dont care anymore.. He told me he’s been here in Manila before, and have plans on coming back to see me in person..  hayy.. I hope we can talk again soon…  I hope this love story would continue to grow..


to be continued..

the journey continues…

•April 3, 2008 • Leave a Comment

as day passes by, there are so many things that I am able to realize and learn… things come and go.. like friends… I must consider that I am very blessed by having wonderful people that comes along my journey.. countless of wonderful souls that inspires me everyday.. people who makes me laugh, smile, touch my heart and motivates me.. if not for my friends.. I know I wouldnt be who I am right now..

I have  5 bestfriends.. weird? nah! hehe

I have my two bestfriends in college.. Aphol (Apolonia Escabel) and Lady Morgana (my kapatid JM Matias), I could never be proud to say their names because they are the few chosen souls that had been a big part of my life when I was in college till now.. Those laughters that we had way back our old days in ABE are those wonderful memories that I would always cherish.. Because of them I’ve learned so many things.. made me realize the beauty of friendship. It’s a good thing that “friends” had been invented.. haha was it invented.. hell I dont know.. haha.. If there are two people in this world aside from my family that knows me deeper than Niagara falls, those two would be my two kapatids Aphol and JM.. They are both very special to me.. and I have a song for them….

I miss the old days.. aside from those two I also have so many other friends that touched my life, had inspired me and made me laugh and I had made the laugh as well hehe.. I know that eventually they would be able to read my blog and I am very proud to write their names to let them know that they could never be more than special to me.. My two kapatid Hazel and Khalla Klain Olea.. I have so many names to write haha.. Elvin Perez, Janice Perez,Dianne Allison Lachica, Analiza Mangubat, Charlene Castillo, Milcah Sheina (shocks forgot her lastname), Elvin Perez,oh and I must not forget Tol Heidi Liza Ang, Lani and Cristina Ong, Cristina Tapay, my kapatid Olive Capiz, NJ Dimayuga, Irish Gail Hiwatig, Mylene and Sally Tulagan, Allan Alzate, my mareng pretty Alexis Vanessa Adajar, Maryjoy Villanueva, my auntie Irish Ornido,


•February 25, 2008 • Leave a Comment

today is Feb 25, 2008.. I have 3 hours more and my time for shift again…

 i really dont know.. its like it’s only when my thoughts are lost is when I’m able to manage to write.. its been a long time since I last posted.. i dont write because I have problems.. it’s just that I find it easier for me to express my mind when Im confused and I feel stupid bout myself and whats going on around.. 

 i always fell into thinking of what my future will be.. in the coming years.. I honestly don’t know.. I know the keys how to be successful. I saw a TV interview of a Filipina who became very successful in the US. She said that there are three things to be successful. First, you have to have a Goal, for u to know which way u are heading to.. second you have to Obey, be disciplined and follow the laws of nature and the law of man, and third and last would be; Determination.. she explained that having the Goal and being Obedient of all the rules set by God, nature and people, we have to have the Determination to fight for our dreams.. that we have to work hard to achieve our dreams…. I know all those three keys.. but I don’t know why I’m still lost.. like right now, I dont have a goal yet.. something that I should be looking forward to do and achieve in the coming future.. hay(sigh) I just don’t know.. I dont know what to plan, I dont know how to plan.. and I don’t know now where to start again..

 i’m not someone who does’nt know anything bout life.. i’ve been through many things now.. i’ve been through many trials, tears, laughters,.. crying while watching soap operas and cartoons, laughing out loud with friends and while watching funny tv shows and movies.. I know that I had passed all my exams maybe not all in highschool but all my exams in college.. except for some in my accounting subject.. I’m also earning now by working in a call center.. a job which to me is not really a job.. it’s like a playground where I enjoy laughing, talking sharing thoughts with friends and lastly attending to customers.. I’ve been a good son/daughter to my parents as far as I know.. and a good brother/sister to my siblings.. I hope so.. my life is not really something special.. as i had realized.. maybe to other people or my family.. but I dont know..  seemed like I can’t answer my own questions..

i hate times like this.. cause in times like this is when Im making stupid decisions and silly things.. haha.. i feel really silly now.. hahaha.. shit! i dont know what to think.. i know i should be sleeping by now to prepare myself for my work.. but still here.. listening to Sarah Mclachlan’s song Angel.. and expressing silly thoughts thats just passing by my brain… i’m sleepy now.. i guess im just sleepy.. 

 see u soon..

immortal confession..

•November 25, 2007 • 1 Comment

Here I am again.. when I feel like writing its more likely I’m depressed or when I’m sad. But I’m not really sad nor depressed today.

I always thought that I am strong.. I am the queen of ice that  can’t be moved by anyone or that no man can make me fall, sway my thoughts and mostly make me bothered. It’s really awful that the past 3 weeks are the weakest weeks of my life.. I wasn’t sure about my emotions, I wasn’t able to control all my feelings.. the braveness that used to shield me had just disappeared unconsciously. The past weeks are the good days for enemies to attack.. and yes enemies did and won their battles against me. And now I’m hurting. Hurting? Had I just said that. Well, a true goddess-like creature like me still has a heart that can be hurt anytime. 

I used to laugh at things. I used to think that I can make fun of  the craziness of the world. In gloomy moments I had managed to stand and stayed composed, but why is my resistance getting weaker? I don’t know. Is it because of the pills that I’m taking? I hope not. I don’t really know. Why am getting so stupid over guys who doesn’t know how to take care of  real gems like myself. Now, I would like to hate them. Bitter?

I know that prayers are the most powerful weapon amongst all defenses. Am I lacking? I’m not. Am I loosing faith? I know I’m not. But I guess everything is part of new sets of test in this chapter of my life. The easy ones are over.. I am now reaching the difficult stage.. I know that I would learn lessons out of this quest. But how long do I have to undergo this? I thought I’m over HIM., it’s him again! But I was wrong. Ahhh! I hate how my heart can be so crazy over such emotion. I don’t know how to set my defense now. I’m a defeated soldier now. But I will stand again, and once I’m recovered I’ll triple my shield so I won’t be harmed again. For me love is a threat! The wonderful feelings are just the initial feeling., when You are still blinded, when you are on cloud 9, but once your brain starts working again and see  the realization around you., that’s when sadness takes place.  Am I a broken hearted soul? Maybe. I don’t know.. I  once said I’m a neophyte in this game. .  A soul sister, gives me advices, she is one tough of a lady. I thought I am stronger now, but no. I want to gain my strenght again.

 When they say that looks can be deceiving, well yeah it is true, because if people would look at me, they will be blinded with my happy face. But deep inside the mask, I am a kid that is still scared…

But one day, I will be cold again.. queen of ice..

a promise of love at the dolphin bay

•November 23, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I was really not a fan of telenovelas, not until I came across a very nice Chinese telenovela “promise of love at the dolphin bay”… It was during my school vacation that I happened to saw one episode and since then, I started watching it everyday. Just in time to start the day cause its aired 9:30 am. A very wonderful story. I love the twist. It was a love story between two orphans.. they were like playmates and eventually were adopted by two different foster parents.. Then meet again in a very awful situation.. they were grown ups then.. I really love the story… It made me cry for more than 5 times hahaha.. I love the opening song too..